Floor-gasm

"floor-gasm isn't defined yet. "

tell your favorite over-the-top dj/dancefloor stories or lies -- which-ever is better.

 

I aborted a gig one time (let iTunes do it's thing) because a girlfriend of mine wanted the lollipop I had in my pocket.

True story

After that I became the asshole DJ everybody talks about

 

One time I played Lisa Shaw's "Always" and three girls came up to me and told me they had orgasms that lasted till I mixed in the next song. They then took turns pleasuring me in the DJ booth and all of them got pregnant and the babies had superhuman strength and intelligence. You might know one of them as President Barack Obama.

Another time, my Traktor setup crashed on me because I'd said "beatmatch" into the microphone in the DJ booth. I promptly ripped off my shirt, whipped out my schlong, and pimp slapped my laptop with it. Immediately the screen seemed to melt, changing colours and emitting weird noises through the soundcard and into the mixer. I looked back down and there was Serato, vertical waveforms and all. And with the side-by-side vertical waveforms, I was able to take my mixing to the next level, something you apparently can't do with the Sync button. I played Al Green's "Let's Get It On" over and over again - not looping, letting the track play out then taking my finger and rewinding the record all the way to the beginning, then playing it again. After about the 5th or 6th hour of doing this, the cops raided the place (it was a drum n bass rave) because San Francisco's mayor called, saying half the city was now underwater since my bass had shaken the whole continent and they'd been having earthquakes since 10pm. After the gig (and impregnating most women within 30 blocks) I boarded my personal Concorde and personally rebuilt most of San Francisco. Except Alcatraz, I picked that up and carried it, brick by brick (across the bay too) into the mainland. Now when I tell my friends "Hey, let's go to my summer cottage", they hop into said personal Concorde and we spend a weekend in Alcatraz banging supermodels and doing coke off their bewbs.

This one time, Chuck Norris was in the audience while I was spinning some kickin polka. He tried to roundhouse kick me for playing the obscure polka hit "I Invented The Roundhouse". But he stopped mid-kick and collapsed like a blubbering girl child when he realized that I had a VCI-100. Now he roundhouse kicks the newspaper onto my doorstep every morning right before bringing me my breakfast and serving it to me while I sit in my morning bath, in a tub filled with Cristal.

This other time, I was spinning on Traktor Scratch Pro and this guy came up and said "Dude you should use Serato it's much better than Traktor". Thomas from NI then magically appeared in a puff of smoke and gave him a box that had Traktor Scratch Pro in it, as well as several bottles of booze, which, from their diminutive size, appeared to have come from a hotel minibar. The punter's eyes expanded to the size of 12"records, then fell out of his head. I picked one up, put it on my turntabes, switched to Audio Through mode, and scratched with it. Someone recorded the performance on his cellphone and put it on youtube; it got national attention and even was remastered for a CD release. I'm due at the next Grammies to pick up my "Best Heavy Metal Artist" and "Lifetime Achievement" awards.

My mom once said to me about 6 years ago "Are you going anywhere with your DJing at all or is this like that time you tried to become the world's strongest billionaire?" I built a time machine out of discarded toilet paper rolls, tinfoil, and a beef marrow bone left over from my other job as a superstar chef on the Food Network (just call me Giada), and showed her what was coming November 2008....Traktor Scratch Pro. She sold all her belongings, shaved her head, and went on a pilgrimage to Tibet.

One time about 3 weeks ago I opened the window and yelled "TRAAAAAKKKKKTOOOOORRRRRR!" at no one in particular. I have since had sex with 300 women, all of whom are suffering from crushed pelvises and are still grateful for the honour.

I came up with the name "Traktor" while I was on the hunt for a new car. I emailed it to NI and since they couldn't afford to pay me for the awesomeness that is the Traktor name, they gave me controlling shares in the company.

If you ask Mr T what the T stands for, he'll say "My name used to actually be TeLLy but one time I was with the cast and crew of the A Team at a club in LA in the mid-80's, and this little filipino guy was DJing there. His name was also TeLLy. He was so awesome that they tried to recruit him for the show to replace me. I changed my name to Mr T out of respect so no one thinks I'm trying to copy him. In return, he gave me a thong, a half-smoked joint, and a copy of his latest album, 'In Your Butt, Mrs Dukakis'. He pitied the foo that is me, and told the producers I was the best man for the show, and besides he said he was too busy running the whole of Interpol anyway".

The only reason Qbert is such a good scratch DJ is because, with the aid only of a rusty pair of pinking shears, a full bottle of bourbon, and a twice-viewed Sex In The City box set, I severed my own fingers and transplanted them onto his hands. I then kept his own mediocre fingers for myself, saying "I don't really need to scratch with my HANDS...."

 

you must be hungry. eat it too.

 

LMAO TeLLy, that was disturbing

 

Telly for Prez. :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

@TeLLy
Bull$hiiiiiiiiiiiit! :

 

^^Until you can prove otherwise, you should sell Traktor, pick up Serato, and mix some next-levelness with the vertical waveform displays. Back to your hole, peon!

 

Ok

 

Sounds quite the exciting life TeLLY lol

 

can we please turn this into a traktor versus serato discussion. oh please pleaase pleasseee.

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whats a great floorgasm track.? whats the coup de grace?. the straw that broke the camel's pelvis. the bitten off ear spat from mike tyson's mouth. we're talking floor gasm .. not puddle.

 

^^Read my second story again. It's quite clear Serato has won the day.

 

I used to do these weekly gigs at this place. I think it was big.

Anyway they always sent a car for me and I had to be blindfolded before they started driving. When we got there, someone escorted me through the complex up to the DJ area.

I was then required to play music for everyone while still beatmatching. I had requested waveforms be all over the place (sideways, up n down, diagnol, circle, octagon, etc), but it didn't matter. I was blindfolded.

But one day I snuck a peak. I dunno how or why I did. But what I saw was amazing...tons of masked naked people having sex. EVERYWHERE. Crazy.

But then someone saw that I peeked. Well, needless to say, two less pinky's and one less testicle later, I had to find another gig collecting thongs and rebranding them.

 

^^Yeah sorry about that man, I told you in the contract that no peeking was allowed.

If it's any consolation, we used your pinkies to prop up a PDX-2000 that had a broken-off foot. No idea where your testicle went after the "bobbing for chestnuts" competition last Halloween.

 

I thought it was 'bobbing for Chet's nuts'?

Glad it was the former...

 

Didn't you hear? Chet quit....went to work for some bondage club in Helsinki. He's doing well I would assume...for a guy with no legs with a pink mohawk.

 

I was never allowed to talk to Chet. I just heard the stories.

Made me giddy.

Like a school girl.

 

Tee hee, tee hee!

Don't forget your kilt for tonight. It's sakura themed....

 

One time I showed up to a gig with my Asus eeePC loaded with Serato and no clothes save for a tattered wolf shirt (google it people!). I constructed headphones from some discarded soda cans, some half-chewed gum, and a telephone cord I found on the sidewalk, and plugged them directly into the eeePC. I then started the tunes off by beatboxing directly into the 1/4" mic input on the venue's mixer - no microphone necessary. The club promptly caught fire and collapsed under the weight of the vertical-waveform-next-level-mix awesomeness manifested within. There were no survivors....

 

except you, idiot.

I've been dj'ing from my digital watch lately. It's cool, except contollerism is kinda TrICKY...

oh and many times I dj from my toilet as i'm taking a dump...

...no wait, that's post on here.

aka right now.