Traktor Limericks!

DJing is how I survive,
When I use Traktor I feel so alive.
But the program doesn't work,
Everything's going berzerk,
Screw this I'm buying Serato Scratch Live

 

I'm asian, so I don't know nothin bout no limericks besides that thing about that man from Nantucket. Instead I will grace you with a few Traktor haikus:

I love Traktor Scratch
Except when it doesn't work
Switch to Serato!
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What's in the manual?
Not sure since it's in German
Get out of my house
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Strange behaviour, no?
Layouts changing randomly
What's a tks?
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If you don't help me
I'll buy from competitors
And you don't want that
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chilly likes Traktor
But can't work it on Macbook
Back to Windows, chump
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Spinning with Traktor
I imagine your sister
Dancing in a thong
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Sexy Audio 8
You need so much bus power
No external plug?
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I beatgridded tracks
For 30 hours one weekend
My eyes are bleeding
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Don't request this song
I quite simply despise it
Lil Wayne's Lollipop
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I wonder daily
Why no one the likes oldskool
dancehall anymore
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Haikus can be fun
Especially when writing
On company time

 

Phil and Fresh Fluke
spooked out of their puke,
everyone seems to be running to Serato

 

@ Telly - some good work there! The ancient art of Haiku brought into the digital age!

 

Motu Ultralite
Someone buy it for me please
Cat is expensive
------------------------------
Samsung Spinpoint, yes!
Five hundred gigs of goodness
Laptop hard drives rule
------------------------------
Why do you ask for
A vertical wave scroll thing?
That's in Serato!
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Beatgrids are good things
When mixing acapellas
On instrumentals
------------------------------
chilly once asked me
Who's your favourite DJ?
I told him...chilly
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I love Native_girl
Even though she had a kid
I think she's milf-y
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Pops and clicks and pops
Means that you must continue
To tweak your setup
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If your new laptop
Is giving many problems
Get rid of Vista
------------------------------
Posting your problems
Gets silly answers unless
You post system specs
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Spin in boxer shorts
Good times when at home alone
And sometimes at clubs
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Just cause I'm asian
Doesn't mean that I'm good at
Doing flares and crabs
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Rich nineteen eighty
Thanks for the kind compliments
Next time send money

 

It's not easy being the a-hole,
I may not rank high in an opinion poll.
But when users start to post enmasse,
And when asked to read, they pass...
God I wish their parents used birth control.
---
Digital Vinyl Solutions is the status quo
With the top 2 being Traktor and Serato
To ask for stability is apparently insane
But this is how NI can topple Rane
Maybe we talk to the C.E.O.?

 

while setting my tempo below 50
the pitch went all low, and squiffy
I told customer support,
and asked for their thoughts -
"it's a feature, not a bug, don't get so pissy"

--

whilst eating some great sashimi
and editing TraktorPrefs.ini
I thought, "Traktor's giving me grief!
I need some relief!"
So I asked NG to come round in a bikini.

 

^^Bravo!

 

During a gig in Berlin
I heard "do you mind if I spin?"
With a jump I turned round,
And who'd made the sound?
But Hawtin, wearing 'naught but a grin.

--

Minimal's got me depressed,
it's as good as anthrax, at best.
The stuff drives me insane,
I think Hawtin's to blame -
I wish he'd stop following me, and get dressed.
---
While I ogled Phil's brand new Mac,
He dropped a fantastico track.
Damn, I was smashed,
"S**T, it just CRASHED!"
He yelled, referring to Traktor.

--

Some say I'm a bit of a stoner,
Others, a bit of a moaner.
But that's by the by,
I just want to try
to take Native_girl home, and then <edit> order in a nice seafood dinner </edit>

 

I've nothing against Traktor or Torque,
or hard drives made by Maxtor.
But minimal's gay,
and I'm told the DJ's
all tend to be psychotic crack-whores.

--

When Digweed opened in Uzbekistan,
He dropped Wham! - I'm Your Man.
Steve was upset:
"Has he no respect?
I'm a 3 times veteran of NAMM!"

--

When opening Traktor 3
at a gig I was playing in NYC,
I thought "Oh Crap!
I'm buying Serato Scratch!"
'Cos my laptop had just BSOD'd

--

I'll tell you a mixer that's great -
or could be: the Korg Zero 8.
But with all that hiss,
you'll think it's just piss,
and there's no Vista drivers, to date.

--

Smoke weed while playing a show,
You'll find it's way better than blow.
It helps you to think,
Unlike the drink
which makes you just want a ho.
---
Limericks are definitely for the win!
The AABBA rhyming pattern's got zing.
But Steve says they sound like ass,
and their words are vulger and crass,
I think Iambic Pentameter is more his thing.

 

Masters at Work use Traktor Skratch,
so too, does Grandmaster Flash.
It's better than that old Stanton Final,
if you like to use vinyl,
but only marginally more so than smoking crack.